along the week i always tell myself. this weekend i'll clear all the damn backlog. this weekend i'll pack my bag. this weekend. and then this weekend arrives. this weekend was slightly longer in fact. but its gone in a flash. and i've wasted all the time i can waste. and once again i find myself desperately trying to scrape my way through. last damn minute work for those desperately urgent. and the backlog increases. snowballs.

i'm just fucking myself up with the way i waste time. totally fucking myself up.

what's next. this holiday? oh gosh. oh gosh.

gotta fight fight fight. can't just let myself crumble.

this weekend's gone. i'm off to bed. i can't just bring my struggles into the weekend. everyday's a day to get my life back on track. urgh some days i hate myself for the mess i'm in.

aww fuck. 4 days. gone. in a snap. work done? 0. URGH

all i've done is like check out all the subjects, do a little bit, get distracted.

not good enough Darren. not good enough at all. 62 days left. more time you waste, the less time and energy left to train. time to get seriously cracking.

damnit i'm seriously gonna end up a disaster at this rate.

Dear future girlfriend (if you exist anyways),

the few pushups i do once every few nights are for you. be honoured lol. and partly the planks too.

but anyways, don't turn up before 21 July if you're gonna be distracting. i'm an easily distracted kid.

thanks.

Darren.

--

64 days. gotta keep my focus on what really matters. do sufficiently for acads. and do sufficiently for ultimate. and if i can do that i should be damn happy already. really really need to cut down on unnecessary shits. like a lot of stuff. urgh focus focus.

damnit i haven't started on HBL. focus??? where are you.

trashed. 11-2 by J1s, 11-0 by J2s.

FUCK.

i don't what else to say. timely reality check i guess.

worst part was when our J2s lost 7-9 to their J1s. and the way En Zhao celebrated was just _|_ but oh well there's not much love between the 2 teams i guess. the way Yibin was and all. everyone gets fucking frustrated i guess. Yibin just shows it a bit more heh. oh well so today they won. so yes they deserved to celebrate. do what you wish to.

during spirit circle with the RJ J2 team... among other things, the dude said "Welcome to Ultimate."

and i was expected to say something and i wasn't sure what to say. so after the thanks for the game and the we'll meet again in Inter-JCs, i just said what was on my mind. "and the score will be different then."

and yes that's another promise.

there's nothing else left to do but to keep the focus and train. hard. and press the fuck on.

looking forward to playing again. till then, i'll be training hard. urgh this is so damn hard to stomach.

"Think training's hard? Try losing."

totally in that idkwtfisgoingon situation.

i don't know how i feel, don't know what i want, don't know what i'm doing sometimes. oh well 好像就一直在原地徘徊着. stuck in those few painful memories that are playing on loopz. okay maybe not that bad but it just... gah whatever.

ahh and with regards to acads i've not done anything to catch up. the next few days better have some resemblance of productivity.

friendly tomorrow omg. >.< at the very least i'm not going to screw up. ah shit dunno if i should do AQ or not. already had a 4h nap just now by accident :p slept at 6+ thinking i'll get woken up for dinner. woke up at about 10.15pm LOL. i always feel bad about not doing GP cos i know Ms Chen won't scold but i don't like exploiting that. heh she's damn funny her important announcement and all. and then there's Math tutorials. the need to show i don't need remedial and stuff. speaking of which i need a pass in Chem blocks to show i can manage on my own.

urgh. seems like AQ will have to wait.

okay only thing worth being my mind now is friendly tomorrow. dear pretty thoughts, irritating thoughts, deep thoughts you may leave me for now. i don't need thoughts. i need focus.

in about 15 min if nothing goes wrong MANCHESTER UNITED CHAMPIONS FOR THE 20TH TIME

screw Econs or GP or AQ or whatever shit.

I'M READY TO BE IN A FUCKING GOOD MOOD FOR THE WHOLE DAMN WEEK

oh yeah please don't screw up or anything.

when all else in life fails, there's still Manchester United.

OH YEAH

--

#edit

oh fuck man. fuck. just fuck it.

given a lesson in expectations and false hope.

urgh so totally applicable to my life.

should have known la.

from before the match i wasn't hoping for much. then City scored i thought it was over. then QPR scored gave me hope. then QPR red card. then QPR scored again. and then i was hoping for too much from their defence i guess. City fucking scored twice in fucking extra time.

oh well. expectations and false hope. please don't become the story of my life.

so fucking frustrated tonight.

in essence my mum told me not to play basketball anymore cos i broke my nosepiece on tuesday playing basketball and she said something like 以后不要打篮球了啦，打了眼睛(XD)镜断还要做新的这么麻烦

it was just so fucking ridiculous. and i was gonna argue with her but after saying about 2 sentences i realised i was just wasting my own fucking time and effort. she wasn't trying to make any sense anyway. fucking agitated. so to end the conversation i said "okay 以后我再也不会打篮球了“

yup. another promise.

and yea been fucking agitated. by little things that've happened to me all night. not really worth mentioning.

all day she's been nagging about stuff. and when i stop trying so damn fucking hard to control my emotions and show a teeny weeny bit of frustration, she picks that out and asks me why i'm so easily agitated. _|_

my mum is fucking ridiculous.

promises.

get a pass for Chem blocks. to Ms Chua.

stop bothering you. to you.



oh well maybe its time. no the song lyrics don't suggest anything. its just the title. and the mood.

一言既出，驷马难追。

只要可以这样付出就大概满足了吧。偶尔撒个谎逃避些问题也不是太大的问题。

today my mind feels empty. brain dead. okay maybe not the whole day but at least right now. and of course, not thinking feels kinda... nope i'm not feeling anything haha. (i think i use stuff like haha nearly as a punctuation. so i'm not really that amused)

today... idk i feel less. which is good. maybe i'm not really interested after all :D or at least not thaaat emotionally attached.

但一整天还是时时不自觉地在想，你心里到底在想什么，你心情到底如何，你到底在哪儿。

maybe i'm just being curious. trying to understand people has always been one of my greatest curiosities. (:

but oh well starting to wonder if i'm a horrible guy to talk to ._. not good with words, not really funny or interesting. heh dawned upon me when i was talking to Darryl and he was like damn sian. then when i finally gave up talking and went away, and then saw him talking to someone else. and he was smiling. heh.

lol idk if i'm being jealous or i'm being insecure or i'm being a pathetic loser or all of the above.

idk what to say. urgh. knowing more about people just makes you wanna know more. (N) i'm not really sure what i know. and i don't really have time and energy and brain juice to just sit down and process everything. i've just been reading stuff and letting them wash over me over and over. for the same reason i don't really think i can contribute much to the PW discussion tonight. just being blank.

URGH YES I SUCK AT CHATTING -.-

ah anyways. gah no mood to write anything more.

讨厌犹豫不决的心情。makes me feel weak. can't decide if i should go ultysports h2o shit, cant decide if i should...

oh well i'm done.

"rained. postponed. GAH.

on an unrelated note, nothing i've seen's more beautiful than the sunset set beside the gloomy cloudy night sky. or more sexy than lightning flashing across the sky. well we all know lightning's dangerous but there's no denying it looks amazing. oh well."

-.- was kinda looking forward to friendlies. oh well.

haha lightning. yeap.

PT is totally the way to go when you're feeling down. physical + mental abuse ftw. mostly mental. repeating some of the worse thoughts you can have to yourself to push yourself. heh. i don't like the rest part of PT though. oh well.

so i realised that when i take off my specs maybe i'm a bit more real. haha maybe its cos i can't see properly. so i don't feel the need to put on a front for others. but that means i get pissed a bit haha. maybe. i was like eh fuck you la to Seetoh when he tickled my feet during PT. heh i was really pretty pissed. not at him though. just the mood i was in.

urgh rough day for me. i'm learning to feel a bit less already i guess. don't know why i just have to ask what she said. don't know why last night i had to read something i already knew would kinda hurt. heh moving forward i'll learn to feel less. and knowing more... is always a good thing.

starting to notice a bit more about people around and their insecurities. maybe cos of my own. from teachers to people in shows. lol.

i need to post less emo shit on facebook. i'm starting to think people do that mainly to attract attention so they feel loved. i don't wanna be like that. gonna rant less on facebook. maybe more here. sorry Daniel (& Gary if you do read). for those on facebook who care... i shouldn't be getting them worried. and those who don't, i'm saving them from reading some crap. and for those who feel obligated to ask cos they're kinda-sorta friends, heh i don't like that kinda concern.

yeps. academic life in limbo much. Ms Chua gonna ask me about my lect test tmr. Mrs Tam wants me to go for remedial in the hols. fuck that man i need to show that i can do it without such shit.

gah press on press on. i'm glad i'm capable of not saying everything's not going my way. haha its always easy to start seeing everywhere your day went wrong for you. but just seeing friends everyday, that's enough to keep me going. (:

i'm enjoying cold showers now. feel so refreshing.

i always have some things i wanna blog about that i think of at some point of the day. but sometimes i forget. so my posts kinda don't make any logical flow i guess. XD never been a coherent writer.

i realised its easier texting guys like Daniel/Seetoh. no need to add extra smileys you don't mean just getting your message across. it feels more real that way i guess.

又在被提醒郭老师曾经说的虚伪。难道人长大了就一定要虚伪吗？讨厌这种需要带着面具的生活。

oh specs left nose piece broke. gonna get new specs sometime soon.